What choice did we have?

Mostly Useful / № 8

My wife and I were out for a drive one Saturday morning, casually people-watching while in traffic. Where we live, the weekend means all the trucks come roaring out, each one spectacularly customized. With tens of thousands of dollars in aftermarket modding, these trucks are driven by serious enthusiasts. Knowing what those trucks cost caused us to wonder how someone could spend so much money on what we see as toys. I pointed out that many of the trucks seemed to be driven by single men in their early 40s. I questioned, “Maybe that’s what single men making good money are supposed to spend it on?” My wife replied playfully, “That’s what you would do, isn’t it?” I almost said, “Yes!” But the question caused me to pause and reflect. I haven’t been single for 11 years. I didn’t make “good money” when I lived on my own. I have no idea what I would do if I were in that situation. I have no idea what anyone would do in that situation. I’m utterly ignorant of myself in that scenario. I’m even more ignorant of people within that reality. 

Naturally, I have certain overlapping areas with the men we were observing. I’m a man, I’ve been single, I’m near their age, I have a career, I like trucks, I like toys, and I love to have a good time. All of the proper elements seem to be there. Everything else is conjecture, but not that much of a leap, right? Except, consider this: Would I have a career that paid well were it not for the encouragement and belief of my wife? Would I have the necessary constraints in my life without my family counting on my wisdom and behavior? As I said, I like to have a good time. Without family responsibility, it’s not hard to imagine me in a more cavalier lifestyle.

I would not be the man I am today were it not for the very things that prevent me from understanding what it is like to be anyone other than who I am. 

When we peer into the circumstances and lives of others and we discover some familiarity, some consistent overlap between our story and theirs, we begin to use our imaginations to fill in massive gaps. It is this assumed familiarity that allows us to conclude that we can relate. Because we feel we can relate, we assume we can correlate. Once we correlate, we can conclude that we have all the necessary insights to make judgments and form opinions.

But we don’t.

It is obvious, but I will say it: people are not simple! The stories of our lives are incredibly intricate. I do not have enough information to know what is going on with other people. Even within the areas of overlap, it is impossible to correlate comparable circumstances as an identical source for imagined behaviors or choices. What I imagine I would do is a made-up story that I will never live. Yet, I often assume my behavior within my made-up story would provide better outcomes than people’s behaviors within their present reality.

We cannot view people through such reductive lenses, or we are at risk for arriving at misguided conclusions and prejudiced opinions. When we peer into the lives of others and judge, instead of recognizing we have significant areas of ignorance because of our limited insights, we begin using our imagination to create explanations and to form (often stereotypical) biases to explain motivations and behavior. Yet, we know that people are complicated. We know that life is often incomprehensibly difficult for all of us. So why do we allow ourselves to view people so dismissively? Why do we harbor opinions that are based on our imaginings, not facts? 

We must begin to recognize the harm of such imaginings. To make assumptions impairs our ability to be empathetic towards people because we are far more likely to assume the worst, most negative possible explanation for their motives. If that were not true, we would not need to remind ourselves to “assume the best.” Think of it practically, as you’re watching the news, those little glimpses you get into what’s going on with other people. Think of the judgements that cross your mind. Can you say “go get a job” to a young father in Houston while you live in rural Oregon? It doesn’t matter what your experience is; you can’t relate to his present reality. Don’t even pretend to; it’s disgraceful, and we need to stop this immediately!

Further, our impaired ability to be empathetic towards others enables us to assume we’re in a position to prescribe a healthy dose of “if you would just’s,” each one emblazoned with a lifesaving, pithy observation:

“If you would just save more, you’d be able to afford a better place.” 

“If you would just get out there and take risks, you might actually get a date or two.” 

“If you would just study more, you wouldn’t have such a hard time.”

“If you would just get a job, your problems would go away.”

When we talk like this, what we are actually saying is:

“I wouldn’t behave nearly as stupidly as you, if I were in the exact same situation.”

It was this thought that sobered me. If you can admit to yourself that this is how you might be viewing people, you can begin to pull on a thread in your own heart that will lead you to discover deeply negative and harmful prejudices.

There are times when life becomes so overwhelming, so chaotic, that we experience an absence of obvious choice. Not that we had no choice. Options were limited. Opportunities were infrequent and potentially risky. We might be so overwhelmed that we don’t see choices at all, and when asked, we genuinely replied, “What choice did I have?” Something we can never forget: This is a reality for more people than we can imagine. And not everyone escapes.

Picture a young man, lives in a big city. He needs to earn money, so he gets a job. A job isn’t a career, though. It pays, but not much, and it’s not fulfilling. So this young man wants a better job. But there aren’t better jobs for uneducated and inexperienced young men in this part of the city, and he’s got bills. Those businesses all moved to other counties (or countries). Getting a job further away would increase his expenses too much, so he can’t commute. He can’t relocate either because his community and his family are all within a one-mile radius. Relocating would mean starting over, and besides: he’s inexperienced. So, he has to get a second job. Not a second career; another job. Now he’s unfulfilled and exhausted. If he has a family, or if his partner works (and she most certainly does), they’re trying to make ends meet, both unfulfilled and exhausted. What chance do you give their relationship? What are the odds that one or both develop at least one substance abuse problem? What about stress-induced verbal or physical violence in the home? What about their kids? How will they fare in such an intense environment, where surviving is the only focus? How likely do you think suicide is for this young man? 

What choice does he have? 

Think about it, I mean, really think about it. Can you truly relate? I can’t. Not anymore. My problems look different now. Can you say to this person, “you just need to get on a savings plan?” Can you say, “go get a real job?” What choice did he have? Even if he had a choice, did he see it? Did he have anyone in his life encouraging him, pointing out to him the choices available, telling him he could do it? The absence of that voice in a person’s life has a devastating, long-term impact.

If I speak from a place of authority or confidence, you expect me to have some knowledge or expertise. If you found out that I know the same as you (or less), yet I speak as though I am an expert, you would think me a fool. Yet this is exactly what we allow when talking about other people. We are not experts, but we act as though we have in-depth knowledge, whether it be a mutual friend or a story on the news, even though all we really have is ignorant imagination. I do not believe this is a useful mechanism for forming opinions. If there are any areas of ignorance (and we have proven there are many), we must be very, very careful.

There is a solution, however. It is found in the very place where the problem was created: imagination. 

The problem is not that we are imagining what might be happening in the lives of others. What is problematic is what we do with that imagining. The ability to observe other people and imagine what it might be like to “walk a mile in their shoes” is essential. Imagination is the birthplace of curiosity. Our imagination must be expansive, interested, exploratory, and inquisitive. 

Just as your imagination and curiosity enable you to draw conclusions about the lives of others, it can also allow you to cultivate a far more useful attitude: empathy. Empathy allows you to develop compassion, which is empathy in action. When you use your imagination and are filled with compassion, you can assume the best about other people and give them grace. Imagination that leads to any place other than empathy will only increase our negative bias and prejudice. If we instead imagine all the things we don’t know, we can begin to recognize our own ignorance instead of berating people for their imagined ignorance.

Cultivating an awareness of our prejudice and assumptions allows us to set them aside and free ourselves from such destructive thinking. It is how we wake up and begin to see people as they are. We can put away our reductionist thinking regarding motivations. We can wake up and see that other people are as flawed and confused as we are. Instead of faulting them for this, we can encourage them. We can empathize. It’s not so easy being a person.

It is not possible to know what is going on in the hearts and minds of others. Indeed, I am not sure it would be beneficial to know. However, I know this: the casual reduction of people into manageable and linear stories completely devalues the complexity and beauty of what it means to be human. Conversely, increasing our empathy and compassion for others celebrates the complexity and beauty of humanity while also dramatically improving it.

I will leave you with this historical anecdote. It is said that the evangelist John Bradford was walking with some companions when he happened to observe some criminals being lead to the scaffold for execution. Bradford is said to have remarked, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” Bradford understood what we have forgotten: We are all one or two bad choices away from utter ruin. We do not know what choices other people have made, but we know that we are not immune to misfortune and suffering any more than anyone else. Instead of prejudice, we ought to lead with empathy. Assume the best, always. Life is difficult, more so for some than others. Remember your own struggles. And when viewing the lives of others, protect your heart from arrogance, unkindness, and pride with these simple words:

There, but for the grace of God, go I.